My nephew, Kyle, coming over with my brother for dinner.
Are you really as good a person as you think you are? I want to challenge you to discover your blind spots and shortcomings so you can become an even better version of yourself. First let’s bring some clarity to the vague notion of what it means to be a good person.
What does being a “good person” mean anyway?
Philosophers have debated this for millennia. Here is my best shot: Good people satisfy their wants and needs while (1) helping other people satisfy theirs, and (2) minimizing harm. That definition leaves a lot of room for interpretation, so that’s why I devised the test you’ll find below. But I don’t want to move on without drawing your attention to something really important: being a good person isn’t entirely about self-sacrifice and grim puritanicalism. Goodness returns many benefits to you, which is convenient, because otherwise it would be really hard to sustain—we only have so much discipline and willpower. Aristotle, the Greek, suggested that when you connect your satisfaction to helping others flourish, you enter into a self-reinforcing cycle.
don’t rely on these things to decide how to be a good person:
What your society or community generally thinks is right. For example, the evil of keeping human beings in enslaved bondage was perfectly legal in the United States for almost a century. But gay marriage was illegal for most of our history. We can see that laws and customs have not always lined up with morality.
What a religion says is right or wrong. Without trying to enter into a broader discussion here about the merits of any particular theology, I will observe that churches are subject to the same political decisions and human frailties that lead governments to pass bad legislation. I grew up in a devout Catholic home, but I would much sooner trust my conscience and the counsel of wise thinkers before looking for guidance from an institution that has caused much harm recently and historically.
The way you were raised. Perhaps you were raised in a home where corporal punishment of children was the rule. But now you need to make your own independent decision about the wisdom of striking your kids. Your parents gave you a particular model to observe, now you must choose the behaviors you will or will not repeat.
Guilt or pleasure you obtain from a behavior. Perhaps you feel like you’re committing some sort of sin if you’re having sex before marriage. Without suggesting that sex isn’t a serious decision with consequences, does pre-marital sex among consenting adults really diminish you or harm anyone? Or, consider infidelity, which some people rationalize because of the thrill. The moral dimensions of these actions are independent of your feelings, so beware of leaning too hard on your emotions.
Your accomplishments. Perhaps you’ve attained a high level of education, made a lot of money, or distinguished yourself professionally. Good for you, those are all significant achievements and each brings its own rewards. But they don’t make you a good person. And if you don’t believe me, just think of all the rotten people who have succeeded in those ways.
Your life circumstances. If you survived a traumatic childhood, for instance, my heart goes out to you. But that doesn’t entitle you to cause problems for other people; in fact, it was probably people who suffered their own difficult childhoods who caused so many problems for you. This is one of those crappy, unfair things about life: you’re going to have to work that much harder to be a good person, although at least you’ll have a head start on knowing what miseries you don’t want to inflict on others. And if you’ve had a relatively privileged life, well, the bar is much higher for you. You were dealt a great hand and you have a responsibility to share your winnings. All of us need to be bigger than our opportunities.
Your intentions. I don’t mean to suggest that your desire to do good doesn’t matter, because that’s usually where being a good person starts. But it’s hardly enough. You need to be really interested in the outcomes of your actions. There is a branch of ethical philosophy known as “consequentialism,” where the moral value of your behavior is measured by the actual results. For instance, advocating for a healthy democracy by sharing memes on Facebook is just slactivism. You need to get out into the world to produce the change you seek: organizing, or protesting, or donating, or volunteering on a campaign.
Thoughts that go through your head. What if you have ugly thoughts, but let them go without indulging them through your spoken words or deeds? As long as you don’t continue to fuel those thoughts with additional investments of time or energy, I’m inclined to give you a pass. Thoughts come and go, not always with any deliberate intention. Sometimes thoughts are just storm clouds blowing through our minds, without any consequence unless you invest in them.
Your opinion of how good a person you are. In fact, because of the “moral licensing effect” we tend to feel entitled to engage in morally questionable behavior if we have previously done something virtuous. It’s almost like we maintain a psychological bank account of good deeds that we draw on when we want to act selfishly. Once we start seeing ourselves as morally correct, we take on that identity and we find it easier to justify behavior we would criticize in others. Appreciating your own special skills and qualities is one thing, thinking yourself better than others is quite another. Genuine humility is a big part of being a good person.
The test
We probably all like to think that we’re good people, but how do we know? Do we just focus on the better angels of our nature, and rationalize away our character deficits? It’s really difficult to make these assessments about ourselves because humans are pretty expert at deceiving themselves for their own benefit, and we are vulnerable to so many cognitive biases.
So when you answer the following questions, be a tough grader. In the absence of a wise panel of judges protecting you from your partialities, you need to rely on your own evaluation. Don’t just remember the incidents where you rose to the occasion and did the right thing, but include all the times you screwed up, too. Of course no human, not even a saint, could say yes to all of the following questions at every moment. Being good is an ideal, something we might approach through a daily practice that we engage in for the rest of our lives.
I’ve divided the questions into four categories:
Being good to yourself
Being good to your community
Being good to others
Being good to the Earth
Being good to yourself
Are you kind to yourself? If you had a tough day at work, do you flagellate yourself for your mistakes or do you treat yourself as a mensch friend would, helping you keep things in perspective and focusing on lessons that will make tomorrow more successful?
Do you take good care of your mental and physical health? Do you seek emotional and social enrichment? Do you eat good food and exercise the one good body you were given? Do you make appropriate investments in your close relationships by reaching out periodically?
Do you contain your emotional energy so your moods don’t cause problems for others? If you’re struggling with a frustrating computer problem and someone unintentionally interrupts you to ask a question, do you bark?
Do you think about the impacts your words have on others or do you just spew a continuous flow of complaints and negativity? Do you bring positive energy to your interactions? If you had a tough morning commute, are the first words to your coworkers, “you’ll never believe how bad my day started? This sucks.”
Do you have the inclination and ability to reflect on your own behavior so you can understand the effects on others? Can you learn from your mistakes, apologize as necessary, and permanently modify your behavior to implement this wisdom? If you’re chronically late to pick up your kid from school, are you willing and able to devise and execute a plan to be on time? Or maybe you just don’t think it’s important to be impeccable in honoring small or large commitments?
Do you demonstrate courage when a situation demands action? If a colleague tells a sexist joke in a meeting, will you pull him aside afterwards to address the issue?
Are you a good steward of the money and other resources available to you? If you already have thousands of dollars in credit card debt, are you still buying new clothes or restaurant meals?
What kind of company do you keep and support? Do you choose your friends based in part on their character and good decisions? If a friend is cheating on his spouse, are you cool with that, or do you insist that he get his act together if he’s going to remain in your inner circle?
Do you protect yourself and others from those who would try to hurt you? Being a good person isn’t the same as being a doormat. Do you have the skills and/or weapons to defend against a violent assault? Do you have the confidence and ability to negotiate successfully when others try to take advantage of you?
Are you maximizing your potential, using your skills along the lines of excellence? If you’re a college student and smart enough to become a doctor, are you pursuing that opportunity or are you doing just enough to get by, getting high and playing video games?
Being good to your community:
Do you care enough about being informed that you expend significant energy in discovering the truth, rather than consuming the predigested versions offered by those who want to take advantage of your laziness for their own financial or political benefit? Do you get all your news from Facebook and a cable news channel? Do you avoid opinions different than yours because you feel threatened?
Do you take your responsibilities as a citizen seriously and participate in our democratic processes? Do you do the bare minimum of voting every November, for the big and small elections?
Do you give back to the community in any way other than showing up for work and paying your taxes? If you have discretionary time, do you volunteer or participate in any civic organizations?
Do you share any abundance you might be fortunate to enjoy? Do you share your talents to benefit the community? If you’re well off, do you use your money to help those who need help?
Do you drive responsibly and consistently devote your full attention to the road? Do you regularly drive more than 10mph over the speed limit on residential streets? Do you routinely talk on the phone or occasionally send short texts?
Being good to others
Do you generally treat all people the same way, no matter whether they’re able to help or harm or you, or powerless to affect you? If you’re a manager at your company, are you just as considerate and responsive with your subordinates as you are with your CEO?
Are you polite and respectful to everyone, all the time, even when you’re not in the mood? When an airline gate agent can’t switch your seat because the plane is full, do you grump off or do you express some sincere appreciation that she tried?
Do you give people more than you take from them? What value do you bring to your friends relative to the investments they make in you?
What is your basis for respecting and admiring others? Do you respect people because of their wisdom, generosity, or other pro-social characteristics, or for their dominance? If someone gets rich by breaking the rules and exploiting people, is that okay with you, even admirable?
If you disagree with someone, can you make your needs known in a gentle way, being politely assertive without being aggressive or nasty? If you think you car was repaired poorly by the dealership, are you able to have productive and rational conversation with the manager to state your needs and seek a reasonable resolution?
Are you honest, or do you mislead to optimize situations for your benefit? Do you use white lies to evade responsibility?
Do you behave better in public than in private? If you were being filmed 24/7 for a documentary about your life, would you act differently than you do now?
Do you do the hard work of focusing your energy on your own self-development rather than blaming and judging others? Do you criticize other people for driving gas-guzzling SUVs or do you examine your own resource consumption so you can take action to reduce your footprint?
Do you devote your full attention to others when you’re with them? Do you put away your phone when you’re talking with someone?
Do you “do the right thing,” even if it’s not in your short-term interests? If your server at a local restaurant neglects to include several items on the bill, do you ask for a correction?
Being good to the Earth:
Do you put the greater good ahead of your own moment-to-moment satisfaction? Do you eat animals and fish? If so, have you invested a minimum of effort in discovering the cruelty and negative environmental impacts of such a diet? Do you care enough to change your habits?
Do you minimize your consumption of natural resources? How big is your house, how much stuff do you own, how often do you fly? Do you have more than you really need compared to many people around the world who don’t have that much?
Did you consider adopting one of the 140 million orphans in the world, or going without children? Putting your own desires aside, did you consider the environmental consequences of bringing children (especially more than one) into a society like ours with such high resource consumption per capita?
Conclusion
You may have noticed that some of these questions concern behaviors of greater impact and importance than others. Whether you recycle a few pounds of steel cans a month, for example, matters less than electing leaders who will steer the entire economy to greater sustainability.
I’ve set a high bar here. I think I’ve invested very deliberately in becoming a good person but I can hardly say yes to all these questions. For example, I currently earn much of my living from a business that sells automobiles. I have a lot of room for improvement in being good to the Earth.
I hope you’ll join me in this opportunity to reflect on how you can be an even better person and start today by taking small steps. Examples:
If you eat a lot of meat, perhaps you could start eating one vegetarian dinner per week.
Take a loving instead of peevish tone when your children need correcting.
Be a little gentler with your spouse, or start a productive conversation about an annoying behavior instead of nagging.