I found this pair of ‘57 Chevy’s near an abandoned garage near Schuyler, Virginia. They will likely spend the rest of their lives together, and will return to the earth in this spot.
I have some thoughtful opinions about how you might go about finding your life partner, even as you may legitimately question what authority a car dealer can muster about marriage. (I did marry my trophy wife the first time around, together twenty years and counting, so there’s that.)
I argue that this is the most consequential decision that most of us will make in life, for two reasons. First, you’re tying up your destiny with this one other person for (hopefully) the rest of your life. The only termination clause in a wedding vow is death. Second, unlike most other major decisions, marriage is extremely difficult to reverse. Other decisions can be quite costly, but few so much as a failed marriage. Consider these other major decisions in terms of their reversibility:
· Go the wrong college? You can finish out the semester and transfer.
· Wasted three years in law school because working as a lawyer isn’t what you thought it would be? Your J.D. looks great on a resume, and that hard-won education will come in handy over a lifetime.
· Find yourself in the wrong city? Move.
I don’t mean to trivialize the impacts of other really bad decisions. You can obviously make catastrophic choices, such as experimenting with heroin. But those mistakes, and others like them, belong in a different category because they are so obviously ill-advised that they are best characterized as “brazen assaults on good judgment” rather than “decisions.”
How do you avoid marriage mistakes?
· Perhaps the single most important secret to marrying well is dating well. Since you will draw your spouse from your dating pool, don’t even date people who are not right for you. It’s difficult to think clearly after you fall in love; it’s much easier to think clearly when you’re deciding whether or not to go out with someone. At this early stage, be particular.
· Love involves feelings, but marriage is a choice. Just because you find yourself in love with someone doesn’t mean they’re right for you, and you don’t have to marry that person.
· Have a plan. This is more romantic than it sounds. Would you recognize Mr. or Ms. Right if the person walked through the door? I encourage you to write up one page describing the perfect partner. I like to do this for my single friends, and I save a copy so we can review it when they start dating. Falling in love with a person isn’t necessarily a choice, but you can choose what you’re looking for in a person, and you’ll know it when you see it. We tend to seek in others what we find familiar (even if it’s not good for us) so if you find yourself falling repeatedly for the wrong kind of person (alcoholic, emotionally unavailable, whatever) then figure out the right kind of person and start looking! I’ll add that working on being the right person is a fine place to start.
· Marry a little later in your life rather than earlier, allowing more time to get to know what you need and what you can give. As a young man, I was lonely and very eager to marry. Julie and I have now been married for over twenty years, and with some luck we could be married another fifty. I see now that there was no rush.
· Date a person for a while before making any major commitments. Take your time to make sure you understand exactly who you’re marrying. The initial buzz of infatuation seems to last a couple years, so if you can date that long you’ll probably know your partner pretty well. If you’re coming out of a divorce, beware making a quick commitment to the first person who shows up telling you it wasn’t your fault.
· Consult your personal board of directors about your dating life, and especially before you move in, buy a home, or get engaged. Love is famously blind, but your confidants can see. If the people who know you best and have your best interests at heart aren’t enthused about your partner, that should tell you something very serious.
· Soul mates are made over time, not met in a moment of romantic epiphany. You’ll be a lot happier if you remember that you need to meet your own needs in life; your partner is just there to help you do it.
Like any other decision in your life, you will increase the likelihood of a successful outcome by investing the time and effort to choose well.